Five Years

Five years.

Five years since my dream girl with the unreal green eyes agreed to kiss a married woman, if that woman was me. Five years since we were so awkward together for two weeks until we finally kiss & came out with our feelings.

What an amazing thing, to find out that the thing you’ve been hoping, wishing, praying for, for so long — she’s been hoping and wishing and praying for, too.

How incredibly lucky to find out that the flirting wasn’t all in your head. To learn that she loves you back.

Nights in the kitchen learning our own language, laughing so hard we’re rolling on the floor.

And then in bed, holding her tight as my baby spoon, aware that I’ll lose her when she finds her forever.

I was so angry when he stepped in, inserted himself, appeared, to interfere.

So angry. I cried every day for a month when they told me they both wanted to try for a triad.

To me this meant I would lose them both, and how could I survive losing them both when I couldn’t imagine life without both of them?

She said she wondered if this was a way we could actually last, long-term.

He said he felt like this was the right thing to do.

I’ve always trusted his “feelings,” right from day one, when he asked me to move to Vancouver to live with him.

I laughed in his face and said, “That’ll be awkward when we break up,” and he said, “I have a feeling we won’t.” And something made me trust him.

I don’t know if he was right or if he’s just stubborn, but I don’t think we’re going to break up.

When he said he felt like the triad was the right thing to do, I wanted to punch him right in his face. But I also knew I could hold him to that.

I don’t know if we’re all stubborn, or if we really are right together. Maybe a combination of both.

When Andi and I had been together about two months — the first time the three of us hung out together — she joked that she could commit to me for ten years. Seizing the opportunity, I told her I was holding her to it.

We’re halfway there.

 

 

(Oh yeah, I’m writing a book about triads. You can find out more about that here.)

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The Triad Book!

This is where all my energy is going right now: I’m hard at work researching my book, interviewing triads and people who have been in a triad that has broken up; I’m reading all the books ever written about polyamory and love triangles; and I’m very busy connecting with triads and polyamorous folk on Instagram and Twitter. Continue reading

Do You Wanna Be a Third?

I’ve wanted to be in a triad for a long time. Justan and I talked years ago, in 2001 or so, about how cool it would be to have a girlfriend and all three of us live together… but that was a crazy dream, right? Over the years I dated other girls and sometimes Justan dated them with me, but we never thought that three people could fall in love! Well, then one day three of us did fall in love. That changed things.

We then went on to be polyamorous in that we dated other people, for a few years. During this time we learned a lot. We learned a lot about treating people with compassion and respect, and about how some of our early language and perceptions in polyamory had made our other loves out to be more like objects and less like… well, people. Things like veto power, and hierarchical language.

By the time I started dating Andi, I was very conscious of the way I framed my own perceptions — of her rights to speak up, ask for what she needs and wants out of a relationship, and not be second place to anyone unless *she* wants to. Continue reading

Response: Life as a Long-term Polyamorist

I wanted to give a quick shout-out to Elizabeth Weiss, who wrote “He’s Not My Husband, He’s Her Husband, But We All Really Want a Loan Together”: Life as a Long-term Polyamorist for the always-awesome Offbeat Home (you may have read the piece on the lesbian triad wedding on their sister site, Offbeat Bride a couple of years ago).

One issue that we triads run into is the fact that it’s fairly difficult to find real-life examples of successful relationships that are structured like our own. Continue reading